23/02/2017: I can't believe it is already Thursday and I have to go back to work on Monday...! I am very nervous to say the least, but I'll talk about that in a little while. To the music of the Carpenters I shall write this blog, because they always make me feel better. :)
First things first: Mimitchi Tama passed away on me Monday past at 24. Poor little guy was so demanding. Well I have been raising a new Tama on my yellow/blue since then and now have Tongaritchi, age 4 and 75% disciplined. I should have Mimitchi back for the weekend and then he'll be there Monday when I gotta go back to work. That will make things much easier believe it or not. :)
Hold on... ::Beep:: ... I just hatched my yellow/orange Japanese Tama. I had Hashizotchi on this one, but he passed away on me yesterday at age 11. He is a Shirobabitchi now and I would like to say I am gonna try for Zukitchi and secret character, but I seem to be having issues in that area lately.... Which brings me to my next Tama that I had running.
On my white and blue Japanese P2 I got Zukitchi yesterday. Lucky me I thought! I knew for sure I would have a good shot at getting the secret character. Well today I was getting out of my car and had my Tamas in my coat pocket and I hear a solid beep. I paused in the drive way and just prayed to God that it wasn't Tongaritchi on Mimitchi Tama, and pulled out my white/blue Tama to see the black egg bouncing on the screen. I was sad this happened, but glad at the same time that it wasn't my Tongaritchi. I opened up that white/blue Tama just a little while ago to see corrossion on the censors so I won't be hatching that Tama again anytime soon unless I manage to get rid of the corrossion. Just another reason why I am so glad I got all the batteries out of my Tamas so that this doesn't happen again....
So with all that being said I am hoping that I can get Zukitchi on my yellow/orange. Both those Tamas are series 1 Japanese P2's so I still got a shot at getting Sekitoritchi *if* I can get Zukitchi.
I still have my lucky poop on my Angelgotch and I have no intention of letting go of it anytime soon. I need all the luck I can get my hands on for getting back to work healthy and happily next week! Like I said before, you can't do anything with the poop so it just sits there on my night stand in all its glory. :)
So the next thought on my mind is of course my anxiety and getting back to work this Monday. Am I stressed? Yup, sure am. Why am I stressed? Because I've been off for an entire month now and even though I am still struggling with anxiety and panic attacks, I haven't had to deal with them outside of home since the 26th of January. I am so nervous that I am pretty much sick to my stomach right now.... I dunno. I had a good chat with my counsellor today about everything, and I know the best thing for me to do is just face this and go back to work Monday.
.::And then I went and ate dinner and abandonded this blog for an hour::. Back again.
My yellow/orange Tama just changed into Tonmarutchi a little while ago so all is quiet for the moment. Anyways back to what I was talking about before. I just hope that work goes well next week. I am nervous enough as it is going back for the first time in a month, but I really don't want my anxiety to spiral out of control again and be miserable like I was from November to January. I just can't handle it anymore.
Tomorrow I am going to my doctor to talk about where I am with my medications and such and what my feelings are on some stuff. I am looking forward to seeing her... Then the next couple of days I will just be really nervous until I finally get into work on Monday.
Anyways myself and Mom are going up to Laura's this evening so that will be fun. We go up there pretty much every Thursday night. :) I shall leave this at this for now. I am sure the next time I update I will have Mimitchi back. Until then.... Good thoughts!
Update for 25/2/2017: I got Mimitchi back this evening! I clutched onto my yellow/blue Tama as I sat on my bed and waited as the screen went black and when it cleared, I breathed a huge sigh of releif. I have back my little guy. :) I missed him so much!
While I am here I might as well give you an update on a few things.... Yesterday, as in Friday I went to see my doctor. We talked about my situation, and I was fully ready to discuss going back to work on Monday when she decided that I need more time off. The antidepressant increase hasn't worked to its full potential yet, and she doesn't think I have made the progress that I need to successfully go back to work. My doctor is in my corner 100% and she truly has compassion for my situation. I am relieved to have some more time off, but at the same time I feel like I am running out of options. I don't know how I feel about my future anymore.... I don't know where I am going to end up in my professional life. I am pushing 27 years old now and I have been put off on short term disability three times in the last three and a half years. I know that mental health stuff has become less taboo in our society in recent years...... but..... I still feel as though it isn't taken seriously enough. My manager has been SO good to me, and if it were not for her I don't think I would have my job up to now. I just feel like other people in this world look at someone like me who is just trying to get off without working, someone who is just a freeloader using anxiety as an excuse. I don't think anyone will ever understand my personal struggle with anxiety, panic, anorexia, agoraphobia and depression.
I cannot even begin to describe how bad things can get. Even with being off work, there are still a lot of days that I can't even muster up the courage to leave the house. And when I do go out, it is stressful. All I can think is "Okay now what if I get stomach sick in the car", or "What if I faint", or "what if I come in contact with someone who is sick", or "What if I cause an accident", "what if someone see's what a mess I am".
At the end of the day, all I can think about is what if I loose my job - the only job that I have ever had. What if I go back and I am not on top of my game anymore. If I don't have this job, what options will a 27 year old agoraphobic, who is afraid to so much as make a phone call in the work place have? Any self confidence I ever had is gone..... I have no options beyond my job which I actually happen to like, and if I loose that because of my mental illness, I am really going to fall apart even more....
Anyways.... It is after midnight now, and I really should try and get some sleep.... I will talk more about this soon as this is really the only place I can just vent about how bad this mental illness can be.
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