2/2/2017: Let's see here, the Carpenters Superstar for the win! I love having a good song to listen to when I'm writing one of these. The Carpenters are one of my latest obsessions from the 70s era. In high school I did nothing but listen to 60s and 70s music and now I've gone back to that time again. :)
I've not written one of these now in close to a week but I've gone longer. :P I've been home from work for a week now and this weekend I will need to make the decision on if I will be taking next week as well. I have been so anxious this week that there is no way I would have been able to work. The increase of my Zoloft really threw me for a loop, but on the bright side my appetite has been pretty good. Now if I could just get the rest of myself in good working order.
A little background here from three years ago... This blog will mostly be about anxiety stuff.
This time three years ago I was about to reach one of my many breaking points where I needed to go and get help with my mental health. I had just started on 50mg of Zoloft at the end of January 2014 and it took a good month before I started to see any improvements in myself. I went off work on Feburary 14th and never went back until the end of June of that year. In that time I kept in close contact with my doctors and I felt like I was on the road to recovery. In March we increased my dose to 75mg and I responded well to that increase. Two weeks later we did one more increase and again I was really showing lots of signs of improvement. For the first time in over a year I was feeling like a person again. It's so hard to get into all the details of my past with regard to medication, but I am just writing whatever feels to be the most important to write about right now.
Those five months off work were definitely a time of healing and I spent half my time living home and the other half at Matt's house. My Dad was of course alive at that point so I always had someone there to keep an eye on me. I went through some hard times during the months that I was off, but I was able to rise above them pretty well because I didn't need to deal with going to work and I had a good support system. And mind you - I STILL have an amazing support system. It is just one less a person, my Dad.
Three years later I find myself needing that healing time again. I don't anticipate taking that amount of time off again, but I have definitely needed this week. I had my dose of Zoloft increased to 125mg last week so that is the first increase I have had in 3 years which is a big deal. I just don't know what to do with myself some days and my depression/anxiety can sky rocket at a moments notice. I also have moments where I feel wonderful and everything feels like it is finally going to be okay. I hate when that happens because it's total false hope and then I emotionally crash.
What do I want out of life right now? It's pretty simple to be honest. All I want is to have this feeling of fear and dread about my health to go away, that fear of dropping dead, the fear of throwing up, the fear that something else tragic is going to happen. And then with all of those horrible thoughts comes the physical symptoms of anxiety like nausea, dizziness, tingling in my arms and fingers, weakness, chronic fatigue, loss of interest in doing anything, just wanting to sleep all day.... The list goes on, but you pretty much get the idea here. I am not living my life. I am just existing and I have had it with that way of living.
I just want to be free of this mental illness, but I am not sure that is ever going to happen. But I do think it is possible for me to live a happy life with it.... I just haven't gotten there yet..... I have been suffering with this anxiety since 1998 but I haven't given up hope for a cure yet. :) I have to believe that this is all worthwhile.
Anyways I think I have my mind made up that I will be taking next week off work because I am still not able to function the way I am used to. Like I said, the increase of the dose has just thrown me off big time, anyways...
I must tell you about my Tamas now. Right now I have two Tamas going that are relevant to this blog. Today I got Mimitchi back at the age of 6! :) Boy was I glad to see that little sweet heart. It felt like a really long time getting him back this time but that is probably because I have been off work. It still amazes me how excited I get when he changes and how nervous I get as the screen fades for the second time. In the end it has always been Mimitchi though. :)
The other Tama I have going is my yellow/orange Japanese P2, and yesterday I got Zukitchi on it. I had been hoping for Zukitchi or Pochitchi so I was happy. Right now he is 8 years old and 50% disciplined. Not sure if I will get the secret character or not as I took a nap this afternoon and forgot to pause.... So who knows.
So that is what's been happening Tama wise. I've been making updates to my new Tamagotchi Connection page as well! They are really cute and fun Tamagotchi. Love em lots! It's great to have two going so you can connect them. :) I have not restarted Devilgotchi or Yasashii just yet but I will soon. Might take another try at Morino as well soon! I love them all so much so it makes it hard to choose a Tama to raise sometimes. :) Gotta love it!
Anyways I am off to watch Weeds with my little Mimitchi. My Gosh it's good to have him here with me. Tonight I had him with me the whole time we were over to John and Lauras and he hardly needed any care at all. I just loved being able to take him out of my pocket and see his sweet face. :) I shall be back soon to write again!
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