8/1/2017: Well we are in the midst of an ice storm here where I live. I woke up around 9:00 this morning to the sound of freezing rain hitting my bedroom window and it has yet to stop. It's just a little after 11am now. I guess this will be a stay at home and work on the page day. :)

So this could end up being a really short log or a really long one. It's hard to tell some days. :) I'll just dive right into Tamagotchi and tell you about my little guys. Mimitchi passed away on me yesterday at the old age of 26. We had lots of time together and I am so glad he was around for the holidays. I was getting my haircut over at Matts yesterday and had Mimitchi in my hand the whole time. As I finished up feeding him he passed away right before my eyes. I started him up again right away and now have Tonmarutchi with 75% discipline. I will have my Mimitchi back again before I know it. :)

I was working hard to get Ginjirotchi, and to my joy got him back on Friday evening after work. I disciplined him to 75% as a Tamatchi and took good care and it worked.  I am so glad to have this smiling sweetie back in my life again. Feels like it was a long time since I saw him, but it has only been since September. Ginji is 8 years of age, 31lbs, and 75% disciplined.

I have been of course loving every minute of raising my Devilgotchi. He changed into a Devil Mametchi the other day and it is soooo cute!  Even cuter than Mametchi from P1! Funny that when I looked at my character history the other day, I realized that I have only raised two Mametchi in the last year and a half. I thought I had raised more than that, but nope just the two of them. My Devilgotchi is 11 years old today and I have no idea how long he will live for. I know he can possibly change into a secret character, but I am not sure if I'll get him or not. I need to update the Devil Blogs later on today.

As for Mesu and Osu, they are very easy to care for, and I've been rather lax on updating those blogs as there is really nothing to write about. I unpaused my pink Mesu today, so I will just be letting those three Tamas live out their life into their old age.

Not a whole lot going on around here lately. I've just gotten right back into work again at the office. Seems like the Christmas season came and went in one blink, but that's the way it always goes it seems. Kinda relieved that it's over for another year to be quite honest.

Oh I forgot to mention that I bought another Devilgotch yesterday afternoon! I got a great deal on a black and purple one from a girl named Erina on the Tamagotchi Facebook page. :) She got back to me within minutes of me commenting on the post and I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to get it. So that will be coming my way in the next few weeks!

Well off I go for a while. I will be back now and again to update, but I would say most of my writing will be going on over on the Devilgotchi blogs. I will definitely come back here and update when I get Mimitchi back this week tho! :)

Hmm.... I am back again because I feel like I need to get some stuff off my chest.  Honestly I don't know where I should really begin.  All of my problems revolve around my mental health, there is no question about that at all. I just can't picture in my mind a day when things are going to get any easier, and that feels horrible. Yes I have made progress over the past three years.  I am back to work again, I am not calling in sick all the time, etc.  But I am still not living. I am in a constant state of fear all the time, and I never really get into the specifics on this blog because I am ashamed of it.  It is just easier for me to say "Oh yes... This week has been an axnious one, but I am getting through it one day at a time." and then leave it at that.

On a daily basis I am anxious. Some days are worse than others, but in general I am always living with anxiety.  What am I afraid of?  That is the thing I am embarassed to talk about, and something I think I only touched lightly on a year ago after my Dad passed away. I am literally terrified of getting physically sick, of vomiting, or of getting extremely ill to the point of suffering and dying. I have very irational fears of throwing up, and now they have gone to the point of me being convinced that I am terminally ill.  I have been checked out by doctors and told that my health is fine, but these irrational feelings I have convinced me otherwise.  I am still convinced there is something wrong, whether it be my heart, my lungs, my stomach - I feel like my health is at risk in some way and that I am going to suffer and die.

I am an extremely negative person and never allow myself to see the positives in life.  I try and keep these blogs as positive as possible, and being that they are mostly about Tamagotchi that is pretty easy to do.  I focus so much on the negative aspects of life in my real life, and the people I attract in my real life have the same way of thinking.  Well that is a lie because my friend Jenny is a pretty positive person, so I am thankful for her.  And my Mom and Aunt are a huge support, as well as Laura, her husband and Donald. And yes Matt. Anyways I will keep going with this.

I constantly dwell on negative things because I am so afraid of something bad happening (ie. getting seriously ill and having to suffer, vomit, etc..).  It is just a constant cycle of fear that I go through, and not a single person in this city understands.  My friends don't know how bad my irrational fears are, I don't even know if my own family knows with the exception of my Mom and my Aunt.  There is no doubt about the fact that I am mentally ill.

I have as little contact with people socially as possible.  I do have a boyfriend, Matt, whom is the only one I have ever truly opened up to in my real life outside my parents and Aunt.  My problems have taken it's toll on this relationship and well.... To me it feels pretty much non-existant now because of how bad my problems are.  I really hate getting so personal here..... But nobdoy knows how bad things are for me.  In 2006 when I was in middle school things were really bad for a while to the point that I stopped eating and nearly had to go to hospital because I was so underweight.  I've been dealing with this my entire life, with only a couple years reprieve in 2007 to 2010.   After that things started to go downhill again, and that is something I spoke with to Kat this evening.

So that will tell you that since graduating high school in 2009, things have slowly gone downhill to the point that I nearly had to go to hospital again in early 2014.  I have bad anxiety, depression and OCD.   I do take medication but that only does so much.  I am still depressed and I am still anxious regardless of any medication I take.

For me this website is an escape from the real world. Tamagotchi is my escape.  But sadly it's not enough of an escape because I am still suffering so badly.  I don't even feel better from writing this and I feel like I am going to regret it in a couple of days, but it's the truth about my life and my mental health. I don't have much confidence left in me so it is really hard to admit this, even on my own webpage.

I see my family doctor once a week and she is an absolute gem.  She has helped me through this since 2013 now and I am so very grateful to have her as my GP.  She gives me hope that one day things will be okay and that I can live a happy life.  Anyone who doesn't understand mental illness would look at this blog and think what a pathetic person that is.  But they don't know the pain that I go through living, with this hanging over me. This being the fear and anxiety.  All I want is to get better......

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