A new project for my day to day anxiety
Tuesday, April 4, 2017: I am going to start this page to really talk about what happens to me during my anxiety attacks. For anyone that reads my Tamagotchi Blogs, you will hear much talk about my mental health situation throughout all of the entries. I have never gotten into detail about what happens during an anxiety attack, and if I did that is lost in one of over 100 blog posts.
Tonight I took with a bad panic attack at around 9:15 and it lasted all the way until 10:00. It is now 10:41 and I feel that ever so good feeling of relief and "Thank God that's over", kind of a feeling. It is actually one of the best feelings ever. But I know now that tomorrow I am going to feel completely drained and devoid of energy. It is just this constant cycle that I can't seem to break. But I feel like making journal entries about blips, as I like to refer to my panic attacks as, that it could be a sort of healing process for me. I don't even know if I like the word healing. I don't want to be looking for pity here or anything.... I want to make sense of all this and possibly help someone else who might be going through the same thing.
I am going to try and go to bed now and maybe wake up feeling better than I think I might. :)
Wednesday, April 5, 2017: I had an amazing day at work after a good nights sleep. Although that panic attack last night was bad and lasted almost a full hour, I really managed to relax and I was content going to bed. I woke up this morning and had no issues with getting out of bed or walking downstairs to have a shower. I ate a good breakfast and headed off to work with a positive attitude.
Work is a lot better with some new people around me. They are about the same age as me, maybe a little bit younger, and I help them throughout the day with their duties. They are doing indexing data entry like I do. Helping them out with questions definitely adds some extra purpose to my days. And I have less time to concentrate on how my anxiety is feeling, less time to obsess over negative thoughts in my head.
I need to talk a little more about the panic attack last night, though. I have a really hard time putting into words just how the panic attack feels each time. Last night's episode can only be described as a feeling of terror, where I almost felt like I couldn't move, and if I did I would fall over from dizziness. It was pretty much impossible to focus on anything - I just had to concentrate on breathing. For the 45 minutes I spent in panic mode I obsessed constantly over how fast my heart was beating, and how red my face was. I felt like my chest was going to explode and then that made me panic even more. Sometimes I would have a gagging sensation because my body was so overcome. After about 20 minutes I went and told my Mom what was happening, and she told me I seemed completely calm. I must have looked calm on the outside, but inside I said I was just screaming. My thoughts were so loud it was horrible.
I always worry that I am just going to drop down dead from the stress, from the way my blood pressure sky rockets, to the tight feeling in my chest that makes it hard to breathe. I see my doctor once a week now and that gives me some peace of mind, just to talk with someone about it and to see that my medications are doing what they should..... I will get into the medication side of things another day, though. I am not really sure they are the answer to anxiety....
It is 10:55PM now and I am in my bed, tucked under the blankets. All if very peaceful right now. I am ready to go to sleep for the night. I am staying up a little later tonight because I always obsess about not getting enough sleep and how that will make me feel the next day. I often avoid doing anything on work nights because I don't want to tire myself out and be groggy at work the next day. I need to challenge myself to do more and realize that I can get through a day and do other stuff outside of work. That is one of the hardest cycles to break because I am so scared to step out of my comfort zone. When I get home from work at 4:00, I am pretty much home for the night. I don't even like to go over to Matt's anymore because it is just easier to park the car and be home. I am hoping as the days go on, I will be able to think of more stuff to write about and some of my other avoident behaviors.
Thursday, April 6, 2017: Tonight Mom and I went over to John, Laura and Donald's place. Donald is my God child and very special to me. He has also been a bit of a trigger for me and my anxiety with regard to the fear of germs and vomiting. I actually caught the stomach flu from him a little over a year ago and threw up for the first time since I'd been 12. To make matters worse my Mom caught it at the same time. What a way to end of 2015, as if it wasn't already traumatic enough that we lost Dad one month before. Needless to say, I was not sorry to sleep through Boxing Day the following day. I just stayed in bed all day, waking up occasionally to take small sips of water mixed with Gatorade.
I've gotten into a ritual whereby if I feel like I've been in contact with the stomach virus, or someone that might have it - I drink a diluted solution of apple cider vinegar, which apparently kills the stomach flu virus in your stomach and intestines. It's also said that it stops the virus dead in its tracks and basically it can't multiply. I'm not sure if it is true or not, but hey I am willing to try anything that will keep the belly bug at bay!
Tomorrow is Friday which is so wonderful, but I am always very tired by the time it comes around. I am hoping for a good nights sleep and a fresh head tomorrow morning. :) Trying to keep my mind away from the stomach bug tonight.....
Saturday, April 8, 2017: I don't think I realize just how tense I am sometimes. And how the tension is pretty much constant. I also clench my jaw a lot during the day and I wonder why I have so much tension in my face. I also clutch my hands a lot too when there is absolutely nothing to be worried about. I will be eating my meals and realize I am clenching my left fist so hard...... My god I think I could write an entry every day and touch on something new each time with regards to what I go through each day.
I am sitting up in bed now and it's after 11PM. I feel peaceful at the moment but a feeling of peace is always so short lived. The days where I have been anxious and in misery all day long and then finally give in and take a clonazapam and feel like I can breathe for a half hour.... It's just a life long journey of stress and fear. I had to take a nap this afternoon because I was so tired.. I just needed to lay down and focus on not tensing up.
All I want is to feel well and live a meaningful life. I am certainly able to find meaning in my day to day living, but I cannot accept that this is as good as it gets, and you will hear me say that A LOT. Because this isn't as good as it gets... I know what it feels like to be content, and I am gonna get to that place again and stay there.
Today I colored in one of those adult coloring books over at Matt's place. It was highly satisfying.
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